Unsollicited Advice Part 2 - Dads.

Here's my Dad to be /Not Pregnant Partner advice, in no particular order.

1. Know Your Shit.

Read every book she does, then some ones on fatherhood. You don't need to know what kind of medication she can take for that flu, but it's great to know where in the book that info is so you can look it up in a jiffy. Know about the baby blues, and that it will almost certainly affect your partner. Know as much as you can.

2. Babies Can Hear at 16 weeks
And by week 24 the ear is fully formed. So by month 5 at the latest, start talking to the baby. Its the one of the only ways you can connect with the baby and is so rewarding. Every other night from month 5 on, I would sing "Summertime" and "Safe and Sound" and talk a bit to Lucy. I was tempted to sing all kinds of different songs, but sticking with just one or two elicited strong and more consistent reactions. When she was born, she started to cry when the doctor put her down on the scale to weigh her. As soon as I started to sing "Summertime" she stopped crying. For the first 8 months of her life, I could get a 5-10 minute respite (enough to warm up some formula) of hungry-angry crying by scooping her up and singing "Safe and Sound." And before bed I still sing her "Summertime" when she's in my arms having her bedtime bottle. This is one of the best ways to wind down at the end of my day, and having a connection with her that extends to her time in utero is pretty magical for me.

3. Massage

Before singing to The Bug I would massage SC. Just 5-10 minutes of very gentle circular clockwise strokes on SC's tummy. The Bug learned to anticipate my massage and would squirm and push, sometimes being soothed, sometimes getting riled up (the singing always calmed her down). As a bonus, massaging the tummy helped SC with the ongoing felling of being stretched to tight in the tummy.


4. Domesticate Yourself Now
To be honest, I'm still working on this one. But expect to pick up the slack for any household chores that she did pre pregnancy. Start taking on as many chores as you can now, and know that without a maid, post-partum doula, or live in relative helping out, the house is going to be a disaster for a while. And that's okay I currently try to make dinner once a night, with enough leftovers to provide a second evening meal. I also get up at 5am to clean and put away dishes from previous night and make breakfast for SC and The Bug. I still need to pick up my end of the bigger cleaning chores (vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, oven, fridge). That said, I do get up at 4am once a week to make the drive out to Cambridge to drop The Bug off at her Gran's for childcare.

5. Get a Sling

Using a fabric sling give dads a real opportunity for day to day bonding with their babies. The baby gets to smell you, hear your voice and heartbeat, feel the rhythm of you walk. This turns a trip to the drugstore for whatever you've run out of into bonding time. At home, I'd sometime take my shirt off and wrap The Bug up cradled against my chest, and walk up and down the hall to get her to sleep. I was worried that a single piece of fabric would be too flimsy, but I'm now convinced that they are way safer than bulkier carriers. With fabric, you can feel every move the baby makes, and if the fabric feels loose (which can happen after several hours of use) you can simply tighten the knot.
Babies love Nuit Blanche. And single malt.

Unsollicited Advice Part 1 - Books.

If you've met The Bug you already know, she's pretty awesome. At less than 16 months she's already a walking, talking, joke making, happy, social, thoughtful dynamo. In theory, as her dad I have something to do with. So before The Possum is born and successfully proves that I actually have no idea what I'm doing, I thought I'd do a bunch of posts that outline what has worked for The Bug, SC and I. This one is gonna focus on the books that we've found to be most helpful so far in no particular order.

Our Babies Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent

This books was huge for me. I had a lot of preconceived notions about what living with and raising a baby looked like and how things were supposed to be done. By putting child rearing advice in its cultural context and seeing how other cultures successfully bring up baby it really allowed me to consider all the options confidently. I'd recommend reading this book first as it will allow for a more critical reading of the other books on the list.

The Mother of All Pregnancy Books
She's not my favourite writer, but you need a reference for being pregnant, and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" is waaaaay worse. Also, this is a Canadian book, which if you're Canadian, makes this essential.

The Mother of All Baby Books

As above, but even less impressive. In fact, I can't remember having used this for the last 10 months. That said, I do remember using it heavily when The Bug was a newborn. Essential if you're Canadian.

The Birth Partner

Dad's to be, this is gonna scare the shit out of you. Read it, memorize it, do the prenatal work with your partner, and then don't be hurt when your partner's wants to hire a birth doula. I borrowed a friends copy for The Bug, but have picked up a copy of my own to prepare for The Possum's arrival. Yay perineum massages!

The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two

From RN Martha Sears and MD William Sears (who have like, 8 children). This is our go to book for anything baby/toddler related. When we have questions this is the first book we go to. As with all baby books that try to answer questions like "what do I do when the baby won't stop crying" this books has its own approach on how to parent, which they call attachment parenting. It sounds like a lot of work, but frankly getting up to hold your baby and rock it to sleep is a lot more rewarding then lying in bed, seething, waiting for a 6 month old to cry it out. Like every book on parenting I've read, it is pretty assumptive about gender roles, but if you want to be an informed and involved dad, you have to learn to wade through that sorta thing and try not to let it prevent you from recognizing otherwise sound advice.

The Discipline Book

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you."

- Philip Larkin

In moments of great stress with a toddler, you will revert to the style of discipline practiced by your parents. I've always thought my parents made great disciplining choices with us, but I wanted to be able to make my own, considered choices - and in the moment with a cranky/stubborn/mischievous child you better have some kind of system in place so you don't just react. This book deals with the different styles of discipline and shows when each is appropriate. Another Dr. Sears book, and if the very phrase "attachment parenting" make you think "I don't want my children to walk all over me" you might want to take a look at this book.

The Baby Signing Book

I'll be honest, I don't use this book that much anymore. But that's mostly because I know more than half the signs in it, and I've moved on to online ASL dictionaries which are more detailed, and often have videos of the signs being, um, signed. Still, even though some of these signs seems to be incorrect (at least according to online dictionaries) this book solidified my commitment to sign with Lucy, which is definitely in my Top 5 Things to To with Your Baby. The Bug can tell entire "stories" by combining her signs and "words".