Unsollicited Advice Part 2 - Dads.

Here's my Dad to be /Not Pregnant Partner advice, in no particular order.

1. Know Your Shit.

Read every book she does, then some ones on fatherhood. You don't need to know what kind of medication she can take for that flu, but it's great to know where in the book that info is so you can look it up in a jiffy. Know about the baby blues, and that it will almost certainly affect your partner. Know as much as you can.

2. Babies Can Hear at 16 weeks
And by week 24 the ear is fully formed. So by month 5 at the latest, start talking to the baby. Its the one of the only ways you can connect with the baby and is so rewarding. Every other night from month 5 on, I would sing "Summertime" and "Safe and Sound" and talk a bit to Lucy. I was tempted to sing all kinds of different songs, but sticking with just one or two elicited strong and more consistent reactions. When she was born, she started to cry when the doctor put her down on the scale to weigh her. As soon as I started to sing "Summertime" she stopped crying. For the first 8 months of her life, I could get a 5-10 minute respite (enough to warm up some formula) of hungry-angry crying by scooping her up and singing "Safe and Sound." And before bed I still sing her "Summertime" when she's in my arms having her bedtime bottle. This is one of the best ways to wind down at the end of my day, and having a connection with her that extends to her time in utero is pretty magical for me.

3. Massage

Before singing to The Bug I would massage SC. Just 5-10 minutes of very gentle circular clockwise strokes on SC's tummy. The Bug learned to anticipate my massage and would squirm and push, sometimes being soothed, sometimes getting riled up (the singing always calmed her down). As a bonus, massaging the tummy helped SC with the ongoing felling of being stretched to tight in the tummy.


4. Domesticate Yourself Now
To be honest, I'm still working on this one. But expect to pick up the slack for any household chores that she did pre pregnancy. Start taking on as many chores as you can now, and know that without a maid, post-partum doula, or live in relative helping out, the house is going to be a disaster for a while. And that's okay I currently try to make dinner once a night, with enough leftovers to provide a second evening meal. I also get up at 5am to clean and put away dishes from previous night and make breakfast for SC and The Bug. I still need to pick up my end of the bigger cleaning chores (vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, oven, fridge). That said, I do get up at 4am once a week to make the drive out to Cambridge to drop The Bug off at her Gran's for childcare.

5. Get a Sling

Using a fabric sling give dads a real opportunity for day to day bonding with their babies. The baby gets to smell you, hear your voice and heartbeat, feel the rhythm of you walk. This turns a trip to the drugstore for whatever you've run out of into bonding time. At home, I'd sometime take my shirt off and wrap The Bug up cradled against my chest, and walk up and down the hall to get her to sleep. I was worried that a single piece of fabric would be too flimsy, but I'm now convinced that they are way safer than bulkier carriers. With fabric, you can feel every move the baby makes, and if the fabric feels loose (which can happen after several hours of use) you can simply tighten the knot.
Babies love Nuit Blanche. And single malt.

Unsollicited Advice Part 1 - Books.

If you've met The Bug you already know, she's pretty awesome. At less than 16 months she's already a walking, talking, joke making, happy, social, thoughtful dynamo. In theory, as her dad I have something to do with. So before The Possum is born and successfully proves that I actually have no idea what I'm doing, I thought I'd do a bunch of posts that outline what has worked for The Bug, SC and I. This one is gonna focus on the books that we've found to be most helpful so far in no particular order.

Our Babies Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way we Parent

This books was huge for me. I had a lot of preconceived notions about what living with and raising a baby looked like and how things were supposed to be done. By putting child rearing advice in its cultural context and seeing how other cultures successfully bring up baby it really allowed me to consider all the options confidently. I'd recommend reading this book first as it will allow for a more critical reading of the other books on the list.

The Mother of All Pregnancy Books
She's not my favourite writer, but you need a reference for being pregnant, and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" is waaaaay worse. Also, this is a Canadian book, which if you're Canadian, makes this essential.

The Mother of All Baby Books

As above, but even less impressive. In fact, I can't remember having used this for the last 10 months. That said, I do remember using it heavily when The Bug was a newborn. Essential if you're Canadian.

The Birth Partner

Dad's to be, this is gonna scare the shit out of you. Read it, memorize it, do the prenatal work with your partner, and then don't be hurt when your partner's wants to hire a birth doula. I borrowed a friends copy for The Bug, but have picked up a copy of my own to prepare for The Possum's arrival. Yay perineum massages!

The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two

From RN Martha Sears and MD William Sears (who have like, 8 children). This is our go to book for anything baby/toddler related. When we have questions this is the first book we go to. As with all baby books that try to answer questions like "what do I do when the baby won't stop crying" this books has its own approach on how to parent, which they call attachment parenting. It sounds like a lot of work, but frankly getting up to hold your baby and rock it to sleep is a lot more rewarding then lying in bed, seething, waiting for a 6 month old to cry it out. Like every book on parenting I've read, it is pretty assumptive about gender roles, but if you want to be an informed and involved dad, you have to learn to wade through that sorta thing and try not to let it prevent you from recognizing otherwise sound advice.

The Discipline Book

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you."

- Philip Larkin

In moments of great stress with a toddler, you will revert to the style of discipline practiced by your parents. I've always thought my parents made great disciplining choices with us, but I wanted to be able to make my own, considered choices - and in the moment with a cranky/stubborn/mischievous child you better have some kind of system in place so you don't just react. This book deals with the different styles of discipline and shows when each is appropriate. Another Dr. Sears book, and if the very phrase "attachment parenting" make you think "I don't want my children to walk all over me" you might want to take a look at this book.

The Baby Signing Book

I'll be honest, I don't use this book that much anymore. But that's mostly because I know more than half the signs in it, and I've moved on to online ASL dictionaries which are more detailed, and often have videos of the signs being, um, signed. Still, even though some of these signs seems to be incorrect (at least according to online dictionaries) this book solidified my commitment to sign with Lucy, which is definitely in my Top 5 Things to To with Your Baby. The Bug can tell entire "stories" by combining her signs and "words".

Bringing it back

Here's the thing, it looks like I'm gonna be a Stay at Home Dad for at least a little while after Nico's born. And all the cool stay at home dad's have a blog. Also, facebook's boring the crap out of me.

I broke the blog!!!

Sweet Merciful Crap I broke the Blog!! Michelle got to my flickr page before I was ready for it to go public. Flickr didn't upload 13 pics and had the wrong order. My solution was simple, erase the "set" and re-upload the pics. Well, I didn't know Michelle had already made links to the photos. Michelle, can you fix and make better? My Groomzilla Powers are not fully developed and I can't go back and edit posts. In the meantime, read Michelle's little blurbs below and match the file name (i.e. IMG4100) to the pics loacated here http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryanmelissa/sets/72157594212270370/

Soooooooooo sorry about that. :(

Ryan

Registry

So...the Bay. Now, there is some nice stuff there (as Jeff and Kendra can attest) but not a ton of it really screams Michelle and Adam. Still we managed to find, um, twenty things that we liked. In the whole freaking store. Did I mention that it took us over 2 hours? Since we currently have 177 people on the going guest list, we're gonna have to find some more stuff. Also, there are a couple of things on this registry that we need to either delete or change. Anyhow, here's the list so far, in all its glory. But don't buy anything until the link shows up in on the homepage. Also, since there will probably be a lot of stuff that Michelle and I see that we like that isn't available at the Bay our good friend Nicole will be maintaining a custom registry. That way if you're really stuck (or don't see anything at the Bay) you'll be able to email her and she'll provide you with a list. Once you pick something, you'll let her know and she'll email everyone to let them know that it has been taken!

and uh, I'll comment on the previous post as soon as the weight of it sinks in. I'm so lucky

Yes, its really been this busy

Between J&K's wedding, organizing the invites, arguing over the wedding bands quote, Hallowe'en, finding a caterer and being sick since Thanksgiving, we haven't found time to blog.

And since we've only completed two of the above tasks... It may be awhile before a proper post.

Happy Birthday Polly

So looks like we've nailed down a venue - we just have to go over the contract and make sure that all the "t's" are dotted and the "i's" are crossed. Based on a number of reasons, (size, cost, friendliness, proximity) we've decided to go with the Gladstone. I know that many of you, well some of you, well...Nicole, have had issues with the Gladstone in the past. I can only promise you that there will be less people at our wedding than at CanZine, and that the renovations that they've done since NxNE (nevermind the last CanZine) are impressive and beautiful. We also made a point of making sure that we will have access to and control of the AC for the room and they've assured us that the not-so-nice drapes will be replace by the time of the wedding.

And with the venue selection comes the date. We managed to avoid August for P&S, have it before September so that SJ doesn't have to fly in from the east coast (assuming she's home for the summer) and late enough that it's a couple of months after Squirrel and Eh Steve!'s wedding. Unfortunately that means that we're getting married on Pol's birthday. We still have to make with the ink, and we'll be sending out save the date cards, but if you're paranoid about long range booking the date is (tentatively) July 15th.